\u201c\u2018Information Superhighway\u2019 is a pointless term. It was never going to catch on; it\u2019s clunky and awkward and too many syllables.\u201d The male leaned back in his seat, feeling his point made. He had a sharp head poking through a half-ring of greasy hair that fell to his shoulders, dusting the faded greenish polo shirt with off-putting dandruff. His face was contorted by a pair of ridiculous glasses that pinched his bulky face together in the middle, suspended over a bulbous nose and perched atop large and flappy ears. The expanse of his girth was situated in his midsection, rounding him heavily at the bottom. His total appearance amounted to that of a cartoon pear. When he spoke, he waved his hands about as if they were prosthetic, belonging to someone else. \u201cPlus,\u201d he added, \u201cit doesn\u2019t even work as an analogy. It\u2019s pointless.\u201d<\/p>\n
A lean, jaundiced woman with a stooped shoulder and a face that drew into a point somewhere between the narrow eyes twisted her scarcely separated eyebrows in an expression of disbelief. Her legs didn\u2019t bend quite right, the knees arthritic despite her relative youth, so she stretched them out in front of her as she sat on the very edge of the institutional plastic chair. Between the awkward bend of her body, the general yellowness of her complexion and wardrobe, and the short spikes of her hair, she may have been costumed as a banana. Her posture was precarious and liable to slip off the seat at any moment to land on a bony posterior that had only known the caress of a lover\u2019s hand upon it twice in her life. When the subject came up, she exaggerated and said it had been eight times. \u201cSo, what instead?\u201d<\/p>\n
They sat in the lunchroom, a human pear and a human banana, locked in conversation, oblivious to anything around them.<\/p>\n
\u201cInternet,\u201d he said, haughty and bemused and scornful. \u201cSimple as that. Call it what it is. Call it what the people who understand it call it. People will just have to learn to understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt sounds,\u201d Banana said with careful diction, \u201clike a brand name, though. You remember the whole \u2018series of tubes\u2019 thing, yes?\u201d Pear snorted a disdainful puff of acknowledgment. \u201cWell, calling it \u2018Internet\u2019 sounds like calling facial tissues \u2018Kleenex,\u2019 it doesn\u2019t have any context and it becomes a label for itself, but one without any meaning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cInteresting example,\u201d he said, feeling smug. \u201cFacial tissue implies an object which should be used only on the face, but it is far more versatile and complicated than that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour point?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is exactly like the Internet! You say \u2018information\u2019 and you suggest scholarly application while ignoring social and artistic merit; you say \u2018highway\u2019 and you indicate bi-directional, two-dimensional flow which dismisses the omni-directional transmission. It\u2019s a flawed term, so better to choose an arbitrary one and let the thing itself create the definition.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about the Web?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGo on,\u201d Pear said, his numb-looking fingers creating a circular motion in the air over the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cIsn\u2019t it confusing to have two terms that mean different things but are, to most of the unwashed masses, synonymous?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere\u2019s the problem? I don\u2019t see it. If you need the distinction, it is there. If you don\u2019t, they can be one and the same for all intents and purposes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Banana wrinkled her nose and propped her weak chin with the heels of her hands. \u201cYou\u2019re suggesting language and communication don\u2019t matter,\u201d she said. It was an accusation.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think I am. I\u2019m saying language and communication are constructs. At best, they are crude approximations. Your nit-picking reveals a need for language to be something it can never be: a one-to-one relationship with every idea and concept.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that so crazy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Pear considered for a moment. \u201cI\u2019d say \u2018unrealistic.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFair enough.\u201d The banana pushed away from the table and stood up, retrieving the paper cup next to the pile of discarded napkins and sectioned paper plate that held the remnants of a limp salad and the crumbs from a half sandwich. \u201cI need a refill,\u201d she explained before walking off. Pear took the opportunity to shovel a few more forkfuls of his cooling lunch between mousy lips, packing his already puffy cheeks full with half-masticated pasta.<\/p>\n
Banana returned, eyes squinting at her full cup, in danger of sloshing over the rim due to her bumping, stiff-legged gait. \u201cHow did your date go?\u201d she asked with a practiced casual tone.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t answer for a long moment, chewing his overstuffed mouth with exaggerated impatience to indicate he needed to finish the gluttonous bite before decorum would permit him to speak again. She waited patiently.<\/p>\n
\u201cA disaster,\u201d he finally said around what was still a generous glob of wadded up cud. He took a long drink from his own cup. It was diet soda. \u201cShe left before dessert.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh no,\u201d Banana said with genuine sympathy. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d Pear began, \u201cshe was pretty enough, and she seemed fairly smart, but I could tell she wasn\u2019t really in to me from the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow so?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you ever been on a blind date?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure,\u201d Banana lied.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know how when you get there first and you\u2019re waiting for the person to show up and they\u2019re late, you wonder if it\u2019s because they saw you first and had to spend some time psyching themselves up for it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it took her almost ten minutes to psych herself up to sit at the table with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI saw her in the waiting area.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did you get the table without her? I thought they only did that in the movies?\u201d Banana had no frame of reference for what was strictly movie behavior and what approximated real life. Several embarrassing encounters earlier in her life had led her to believe everything in the movies was at least a partial fabrication.<\/p>\n
Pear shrugged, \u201cI dunno. Seemed easier to leave my name with someone else and have her ask an employee than to watch her walk up to the most handsome man in the waiting area and ask if he was me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh. I guess that makes sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnyway, she barely ordered anything, so I knew I wasn\u2019t going to get lucky.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
The pear paused to consume a few more bites of his food, this time ignoring politeness and continuing with a blatantly full mouth. \u201cPlease! It\u2019s common knowledge that if a girl wants to go home with you, she orders something expensive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy on Earth\u2026?\u201d the banana trailed off.<\/p>\n
Pear leaned forward, conspiratorial, and said in a whisper that was no less quiet than his normal speaking voice, \u201cPayment.\u201d Banana leaned back, scandalized.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou make it sound like prostitution!\u201d<\/p>\n
The pear shrugged and shoveled the remaining pasta on his plate into his mouth. \u201cIt is what it is,\u201d he said, the words muffled by marinara sauce.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate that phrase,\u201d Banana said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s stupid. It doesn\u2019t mean anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHere we go again,\u201d he said with a smile, reaching to polish off his diet soda.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it\u2019s true!\u201d she insisted. \u201c\u2018It is what it is\u2019\u2014of course it is! A meaningless phrase, that\u2019s what it really is. People who use that phrase just can\u2019t think of anything else to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
Pear thought for a moment. \u201cHigh-priced dinner for an increased probability of sexual encounter: That\u2019s just the reality, you don\u2019t have to like it or approve of it. Just accept it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you,\u201d said the banana. She sipped her drink. \u201cIt\u2019s still morally\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2014repugnant?\u201d he suggested.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was going to say, \u2018icky\u2019.\u201d There was a beat before they both broke into broad grins, near to laughter but just short.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2018Icky\u2019,\u201d he repeated, \u201cI approve.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAn under-used word if ever there was,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
They attended to their beverages in silence for a few moments. In a great flurry of sudden activity, the pear pushed himself away from the table and stood on two trunk-like legs encased in threadbare polyester slacks. \u201cI want some dessert. Need anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about a cookie?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Banana reached down into her purse, \u201cHere,\u201d she said, muffled under the table, \u201clet me get you some\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, forget it. I got it. I think I can spare the sixty cents.\u201d<\/p>\n
She raised her head again, her violent shock of black, frizzy hair directed once again at the ceiling. Her face was flushed orange from being tipped over. \u201cOkay, thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t mention it.\u201d He was back in a few moments, and handed her an oatmeal cookie wrapped in cellophane. She wondered who baked it.<\/p>\n
\u201cOatmeal,\u201d she said, digging into the wrapper with an eggshell curve of a nail, \u201cmy favorite.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know,\u201d said the pear, heaving himself back into his chair. He glanced at the clock. He had already unwrapped his cookie and eaten half on the walk back from the counter. \u201cSo do you want to hear how it ended?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe date?\u201d she asked, covering her mouth, now full of cookie, with a hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo she\u2019s not into me, and I can tell because she orders practically nothing except for a glass of Merlot.\u201d The banana groaned. \u201cI know, right?\u201d Pear leaned in again and added, \u201cHouse<\/i> Merlot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGag me,\u201d said Banana.<\/p>\n
The pear smiled and finished his cookie, looking wistfully at the nibbled one his companion was savoring. \u201cRight? Anyway, we\u2019re done with dinner and I ask if she wants to get dessert or see a movie or anything and she says she has plans with a friend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOn the same night as a date?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEither she had a remarkably full schedule or she didn\u2019t have much faith in our date going well.\u201d<\/p>\n
Banana nodded. \u201cOr she didn\u2019t have plans at all.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBingo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, that sucks.\u201d She frowned at him for a moment. \u201cBut that hardly sounds like a disaster.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughed, a snorting, unpleasant little laugh. \u201cI haven\u2019t told you the good part. She said \u2018It was fun, maybe we can meet again some time,\u2019 right? Well, that surprised me a little so I said, \u2018Oh, you want to go on another date?\u2019 And she says, \u2018No, but you and I could be friends. We can hang out. I know some other girls.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s already trying to pass you down to her friends?\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled, self-deprecating and bitter and wry all at once. \u201cI\u2019m everybody\u2019s charity case,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Banana nodded. \u201cI know what you mean,\u201d she said without thinking much about it. They were quiet again for a while. The pear looked up at the clock again, then checked his cell phone for the time.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d he said, placing his hands on the edge of the table, \u201cI guess it\u2019s time to get back to it.\u201d Banana pursed her lips and twisted them off to one side. The effect made her look impish, cute in the fashion of smooshed-faced puppies.<\/p>\n
\u201cYep,\u201d she said, standing. She paused for a moment, regarding the last half of her cookie. \u201cHey, you want this?\u201d<\/p>\n
Pear shrugged.\u00a0\u201cSure,\u201d he said, \u201cthanks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTomorrow, then?\u201d Banana asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cSame bat-time\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2026Same bat-channel,\u201d she finished. He took the cookie, tore off most of it with his teeth, smiled with lips closed and raised the cookie at her. She nodded, returned the smile, and they departed through separate doors.<\/p>\n
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